My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
You Might Also Like
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Iām holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
FYI, letās grab coffee is code for āhow can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.ā
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbilās illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a āNew Year in Londonā party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central š
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with āba dum tssā.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesnāt get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I hacked into my wifeās computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while weāre having sex?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. Iām little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and iām the last resort for many people.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?