lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.