Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
incredible
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
When libraries troll their patrons.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
bugs when you lift up a rock
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle