I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too