I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
#ProTip
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*