Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
You Might Also Like
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now