Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Venn
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Nice try, poison.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.