@katvonwitt: Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don't have to tell me how a marriage works.
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@ChaseMit: Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
@a_man_named_JED: School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *gets in pool* Come on in. 4-year-old: No, there might be sharks. Me: 4: Me: 4: Me: *gets out of pool*
@Shade510: * on my death bed Me: One thing I want you to do for me... Wife: Name it? Me: I want you to marry Larry. Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry? Me: I do.