@katvonwitt: Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don't have to tell me how a marriage works.
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@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.
@Tommytoughstuff: *Puts air guitar back in air case* "Listen if you wanted a "real guitarist" maybe you should put that in the ad!"
@hippieswordfish: wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
@_ElvishPresley_: whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?! *pretends hand is a telephone* "Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!"