Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
You Might Also Like
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.