HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.