local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
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Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic