Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
You Might Also Like
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
do horses think humans are hats
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.