Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
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Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.