*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
it is time once again
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me