*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
You Might Also Like
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
i spent way too long on this
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere