It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.