Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Twitter is the new flypaper.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
S M O L
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.