Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh