Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”