“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
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The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Comparing yourself to others
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were