Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes