@squirrel74wkgn: Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
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@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: I couldn't sleep. Just thinking all night Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day
@MakesYouGiggle: I don't draw my eyebrows on because I can't commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
@jimmytorosian: [Robbery] Sloth Man: I'll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep. *Runs to bank* *Reaches bank 18 hrs later* SM: How'd they escape?