@squirrel74wkgn: Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.
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@sarcasm_inc: Me: I'm hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103! 911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me? M: maybe 911: stop
@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
@Jack_Wagon1: If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
@JMFingSparks: 5yo: *smells glue stick* Me: DON'T BE SMELLING THAT!! 5yo: it smells like strawberries! Me: give me that...*smells glue stick*