Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream