I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
You Might Also Like
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.