*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
You Might Also Like
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it