*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
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Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My wedding will be open casket.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard