*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.