Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
translated into Canadian
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year