Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
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To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Spa day..😅
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I cannot stop laughing at this
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.