I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.