Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*