@MrAdamBez: Lol at birds that walk places.
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@OfficialMizGin: My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@DaHess1: Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number.
@pmclellan: So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.