SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.