debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
giddy up Office Depot
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.