LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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