LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!