@AGreaterMonster: LOL at the neighbor kids who didn't realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.
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@ratamack: I want to date a girl who is willing to solve any disagreements with impromptu light-saber battles.
@KarenKilgariff: LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it's occupied
@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what