I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!