Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If looks could kill
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.