LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
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I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I just tested negative for patience.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.