A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Birds & Planes.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on