Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
You Might Also Like
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
when someone rings the doorbell
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.