The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
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my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”