10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
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BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
A great tip. #CakeRex
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Monday Lisa
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Ion see the issue
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.