I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
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Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*