Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
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OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Taking phone security to the next level.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?