Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Twitter is the new flypaper.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.