LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please