When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy