*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!