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@GrantTanaka: "LOL, NOPE"
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
@XplodingUnicorn: I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
@ericsshadow: [me telling a joke]
guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand.
ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.
@bobvulfov: FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
@StephenBCramer: I installed a mirror in front of my toilet so that when I run out of things to read I will have someone to talk to.
@moose_chocolate: For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.