“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right