@UrplePingo: LOL there's like 20 guys w/ "Female Body Inspector" windbreakers that's hilarious they're seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.
@bornmiserable: ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can't die here
@juliussharpe: If you just got invited to do something on New Year's Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
@Home_Halfway: FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they're saving them from drowning