He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
The best shot in the history of golf
Cinematography is my passion
Fight
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.