Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
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Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
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Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.