Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
😂😂😂
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
iPhone X
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.